STOP SHOUTING . . . and start teaching
by Alice Rosendahl
“Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury.”
–The Incredible Hulk
If you yell at your kids, don’t feel alone. According to The Journal of Marriage and Family, 89 % of parents report doing it. Haven’t all parents been there, right at the end of their rope: tired, frustrated, and out of control? However, after shouting, few feel that they handled the situation well. What results is a “scream hangover,” which Parents Magazine describes as a state when parents feel guilty, wishing they had handled the situation in a better way.
Barbara Diggs of Parents magazine quotes Barbara Unell and Jerry Wyckoff, Ph.D., authors of Discipline
Without Shouting or Spanking: “Shouting can reinforce the kind of behavior parents seek to correct…and teaches children that aggression is an appropriate means of expressing frustration.” Parents need to remember that the main purpose of discipline is to teach, not to punish. “Effective discipline,” Unell and Wychoff continue, “begins with acting in a manner consistent with the values you want to impart.” This makes perfect sense, so why do parents shout anyway? Because when our authority is undermined it leaves us feeling helpless. It’s an ineffective way of taking back control.
So what can a parent do to stop shouting and start teaching? Start by being responsive rather than reactive. Breathe and cool down. Don’t get louder, get quieter instead. Your children will have to work to listen, and they will. Use a soft, but firm, I-mean-business voice, and address specific behaviors. Your child should have a working understanding of what the rules are, the reason behind them, and the consequences for misbehavior. So if your child misbehaves, consistently follow through with the set consequences, making sure that they are reasonable and relate to the broken rule, or they will learn to test you.
Constantly nagging and reminding your child will just teach them that rules are not to be taken seriously. Ask them to do what needs to be done once, and don’t give any reminders. If your child has to go to school pajamas, they’ll know you mean business next time. Don’t forget to praise your child’s good behavior, which reinforces rules in a positive way and reminds them of your expectations.
When we think of how embarrassed and hurt we would feel if another adult yelled at us, it puts the act of outing into perspective. If we yell, we are teaching our children to deal with frustration by yelling. If we are calm and in control, we are teaching them how to stay calm and regain control. When we stop shouting, our children listen—and learn.
Works Cited
“10 Ways to Stop Yelling.” Parents. n.p. 2014. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
Diggs, Barbara. “How to Discipline Your Children Without Yelling or Spanking.
Livestrong.com. Live Strong Foundation. 3 Feb. 2014. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
“Discipline Without Screaming.” Parents. n.p. 2012. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
Microsoft Image. Office.com. Web. 3 Mar. 2014.
Wilson, Amy. “Could You Go a Week Without Yelling at Your Kids.” WebMD. 13 Oct. 2010. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
–The Incredible Hulk
If you yell at your kids, don’t feel alone. According to The Journal of Marriage and Family, 89 % of parents report doing it. Haven’t all parents been there, right at the end of their rope: tired, frustrated, and out of control? However, after shouting, few feel that they handled the situation well. What results is a “scream hangover,” which Parents Magazine describes as a state when parents feel guilty, wishing they had handled the situation in a better way.
Barbara Diggs of Parents magazine quotes Barbara Unell and Jerry Wyckoff, Ph.D., authors of Discipline
Without Shouting or Spanking: “Shouting can reinforce the kind of behavior parents seek to correct…and teaches children that aggression is an appropriate means of expressing frustration.” Parents need to remember that the main purpose of discipline is to teach, not to punish. “Effective discipline,” Unell and Wychoff continue, “begins with acting in a manner consistent with the values you want to impart.” This makes perfect sense, so why do parents shout anyway? Because when our authority is undermined it leaves us feeling helpless. It’s an ineffective way of taking back control.
So what can a parent do to stop shouting and start teaching? Start by being responsive rather than reactive. Breathe and cool down. Don’t get louder, get quieter instead. Your children will have to work to listen, and they will. Use a soft, but firm, I-mean-business voice, and address specific behaviors. Your child should have a working understanding of what the rules are, the reason behind them, and the consequences for misbehavior. So if your child misbehaves, consistently follow through with the set consequences, making sure that they are reasonable and relate to the broken rule, or they will learn to test you.
Constantly nagging and reminding your child will just teach them that rules are not to be taken seriously. Ask them to do what needs to be done once, and don’t give any reminders. If your child has to go to school pajamas, they’ll know you mean business next time. Don’t forget to praise your child’s good behavior, which reinforces rules in a positive way and reminds them of your expectations.
When we think of how embarrassed and hurt we would feel if another adult yelled at us, it puts the act of outing into perspective. If we yell, we are teaching our children to deal with frustration by yelling. If we are calm and in control, we are teaching them how to stay calm and regain control. When we stop shouting, our children listen—and learn.
Works Cited
“10 Ways to Stop Yelling.” Parents. n.p. 2014. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
Diggs, Barbara. “How to Discipline Your Children Without Yelling or Spanking.
Livestrong.com. Live Strong Foundation. 3 Feb. 2014. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
“Discipline Without Screaming.” Parents. n.p. 2012. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
Microsoft Image. Office.com. Web. 3 Mar. 2014.
Wilson, Amy. “Could You Go a Week Without Yelling at Your Kids.” WebMD. 13 Oct. 2010. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.
